I wasn't sure what had possessed me to get me to admit that. I was certain I was a chicken when it came to confessing to boys. There was a short silence, and I could tell that he was taking it in, I could tell that he was waiting for me to tell him it was a prank or a joke or something. And then when I didn't, I knew he was calculating.

"Just, wait a second," I heard him say. I could feel my heart beating loudly, I could hear it pounding in my ears.

My pencil was no longer in my hands. My hands were gripping each other rather tightly, waiting for him to say something, anything. I braced myself for both a proposal and a rejection.

I received a text from him saying, Will you go out with me?

At that moment, I didn't wonder why he'd texted me that instead of just speaking it. I just replied it with a, 'Yes!' and spoke,

"A thousand times yes!"

And it was done. He asked me when I was free, so we could have an online date and I told him that we could have a video call on Monday after school.

He agreed.

But that didn't stop him from calling me each day before the date and talking for hours with me. I liked it more than I would like to admit.

On Monday, I missed the last period, and started getting ready for the date. I couldn't show up with messy hair.

I wore a nice formal top to live up to my reputation and left my hair open after running a comb through them a hundred times. I video called one of my friends to ask her which earring I should wear and whether or not I should wear my spectacles.

She advised me to not wear spectacle, since I looked nerdy in them. I wanted to tell her that Reece was nerdy, but seeing as he was also very popular, I refrained from saying anything and took her advice.

Of course, Reece didn't miss the last period so I had to wait thirteen minutes for him. When he did join, he didn't look much dressed up or anything. He had put on a plain yellow tee with words that I could not read.

He looked flustered for some reason, and so, I didn't get mad at him for being late. He looked too cute for me to get mad at him.

We started talking, and the conversation went on smoothly for five minutes before he spoke, "I need to tell you something."

"What is it?" I asked. His voice was serious but he looked a little shy.

"I know this is a little too soon, but I," he hesitated for a second before saying, "I love you,"

I wanted to turn off my video and hide under the table. I hoped my eyes weren't as wide as I thought they were. I had no idea what to say. Did I love him? No. I was certain he didn't love me either. We'd only known each other for like two months. And I was nowhere near ready to confess my love for him since there was no love to confess. I didn't want him to say that. I wished he would take it back. I wished he would understand that whatever he was feeling wasn't love. I wished he would have a friend who would smack him in the head and tell him he didn't love me.

But all I got was his expecting stare. He wanted me to say it back to him. He wanted me to confess my love for him. I didn't want to. Cause I knew whatever we both were feeling was just an illusion. I didn't want our relationship to start with deceptions.

But at that time, I was under his stare. His expecting stare. And so, I took a deep breath and honestly spoke, "I don't know what to say. I-I can't say it back cause I won't mean it and I don't want to lie to you!"

I get it. Teenager relationships don't last. We would probably break up very soon. I should just lie to make him happy. But commitments were never easy for me, and I didn't like lying to those who I cared about.

He looked a like disheartened. He looked a little hurt. And I was certain he was facing more pain than he was showing. I didn't know what to do. I just couldn't lie to him. I changed to topic to take his mind off things.

We chatted for what felt like an eternity. We played twenty-one truths and asked each other stupid questions that were basically unimportant and nonsense. But by the end of the game, I was blushing so furiously that he could see it on the camera.

"You're blushing so much," he pointed out, chuckling.

"No I am not," I spoke, trying to blush less but the look he was giving me made me blush more.

"Oh yes you are..."

"No I am not," I repeated but I knew I was getting nowhere. I was just blushing more and more.

"You're so cute..." he muttered. "I really wanna kiss you right now."

I would like to blame my red face on the inexistent red light in the room that was beaming at my face. He chuckled a light more, before we both went quiet. We were just staring at each other in comfortable silence, exchanging smiles. And I just couldn't help but whisper, "I love you too, you know,"

I don't know what possessed me to say that. I don't know why I lied. But I just did it. I wanted him to smile more and he did.

And that was when the phone rang. I picked it up and put it on my ear. The good thing was that my video calling with Reece was on my laptop so I could talk to both of them at the same time. "Where are the details?" my friend asked me. "I am getting bored here. Give me the juicy gossip of your date,"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," I mumbled in response before cutting the call. The silence was broken, and we were chatting again.

I don't know how we managed to have so many things to talk about on our first date, but our call didn't end for over three and a half hours. Luckily my mom was busy so she didn't come check on me so we were safe.

After that, we decided to do something productive like studying and ended our call.

I felt like I was high. I felt the way you feel after you drink too much coffee. I felt invigorated. I felt more happy than I did in my first interview.

I looked at the painting of the dog I was making before he'd asked me out and put it somewhere far away in my room and took a new canvas and started painting.

I was painting what I was feeling.

I was painting red and yellow and blue and all vibrant colours.

My painting didn't make much sense but it was beautiful. I loved it.

It had patches of all colors scattered here and there. Like my emotions were. It was like the hurricane that was going on in my chest. Everything was a blur. Everything was a mess. But a beautiful mess.

I liked the mess. I liked the feeling. It was like a bubbly fictional world. Like a background in a fairy-tale. The pink flowed like blood spilling from a wound.

It was like someone had stabbed a hole in a mythical and it looked like that was its sap. A glittery sap that kept on flowing out.

I was too blind to see that the sap couldn't be left flowing. That the wound had to be covered. That the glitter spilling out wasn't just pretty. It was necter. The tree was losing the nectre. And the seeker was taking away all of it.

It was a wound that shouldn't exist. It was a bubble that would be busted. It was a fairy-tale that wouldn't have a happy ending, cause it wasn't a fairy-tale. It was hurricane that would destroy everything. It was a mess that would cause a havoc.

It was not long termed.

I wish I could've seen it back then.

I wish I could've told myself what I should've rather done.

I wish I could've stopped myself from falling for it. From falling for him.

I wish I could've seen the truth behind it. I wish I wouldn't have been so blind.

I wish I was more realistic. I wish I would've let myself see it through.

But I didn't.

You must be thinking that hey bro, it's just a stupid teenager love story. What's the worst that could've happened.

Imagine the worst. This was worse than what you would've imagined.

Cause when all was said and done, I was left with nothing. And I had only myself to blame for it.

***

I looked at the white butterfly. It was beautiful. Its wings were like an angel's. Its eyes twinkled with innocence. It was so delicate, as if one touch would crumble it.

It was sitting on a black flower. The flower was the prettiest I had ever drawn. It was enticing. It kind of ruined the background since it didn't go with the colors, but I still liked it. I liked the concept.

It was like a devil and an angel.

It was like fire and sea.

It was like ether; like the place where land and sky meet.

Like the touching of land and ocean, the ethereal sounds, the otherworldly feelings.

I liked it.

I loved it.

It was like my heart was an empty land, and suddenly the sea had rushed in, creating the unearthly collision.

Sending sparks all over me.

Igniting flames throughout my body.

I felt like I could run all the way to the next town and come back and I still won't feel tired.

Like a little girl, I ran all the way to my bed, and starting jumping up and down, trying to calm the adrenaline rushing through me.

I collapsed on the bed, and squealed in my pillow, hugging it tightly. Everything felt so unreal. And I felt so good that I didn't even wash my hands after painting. But that didn't matter. My sheets and pillow covers were already covered in paint. It was normal for me to often wipe my hands on the sheets.

But I loved it that way. I didn't need a constant reminder of painting; I loved art too much to ever forget about it. But having a room a little artsy made it more homely. It made me feel like I belonged.

I didn't realize when I fell asleep. My mom woke me up for dinner. I was still too much giddy and happy to mind being woken up, but I still would've appreciated getting some more sleep. I was in a state where I couldn't fall asleep but was still sleepy.

I felt like a zombie.

But I wanted to paint. I could've painted a hundred paintings if someone had asked me to. All just as cheerful and beautiful as the other.

I stayed up till late painting another picture. I don't know why I had suddenly become so obsessed with painting black and white over a cheerful background. I suddenly knew what I was going to exhibit next.